Vertigo

So now I have vertigo, which puts me out for at least a week.  I cannot figure out why, when I worked two jobs year round, plus an extra one in the summer, I never got vertigo. I guess I had no time for it.  Anyway, now that I am retired I have all the time in the world to have emotional breakdowns, weeks with vertigo, and respiratory infections. However, in between I really am healthy.  It makes me laugh to know here I am on this three month health kick and I have had an emotional issue and a health issue.  But, I have stuck to no wheat and no sugar, yesterday I could not even eat because I was so dizzy, and on Monday  I walked to get my bike, doing my arm exercises without the weights and then rode my bike home, did my plank, 15 push ups and 18 squats.  Hopefully, after the chiro tomorrow, I can take a walk.  I take this medicine that stops the spinning but makes me sooooo tired and gives me a crashing headache.  I found a new exercise to help with the vertigo and my chiro said I needed to get regular massages to keep the tension out of my neck and shoulders.  That is a nice prescription.

I may have to cancel my trip to Georgia, so I will be able to tell the tale of canceling  a flight, rescheduling a flight and/or losing my money, maybe a combination of all three.  I am on Delta and I have no idea how it will be handled.  I have a doctor’s note, and I do know I need that.

I know I have lost weight but I do not know how much.  I go to the doctor on the 27th, for an oncology exam, part of my survivor program after my uterine cancer in December of 2014.  I think I will get weighed and have my blood pressure taken so I can share any losses, as both  numbers must go down.

The best made plans…..

Well, meeting with my ex lover who is getting remarried stopped my energy flow so for the last two days I have been a bit idle when it comes to my three month health challenge as well as activity.  But, because I listen to my body now, I know when I need to be home, need to be quiet, need to wear soft clothes, need not to see people, need to watch stupid television, and I just do it.  Over the last two years I have paid attention to how I feel emotionally, and I have found that I have a wavy being.  Some days, I have lots of energy, markedly different than many days, and then most days I have energy, but some days, I just cannot be about the world.  I feel it, I like my bed, grub hub, closed curtains and just me.  If I do not take this time, I get myself into a situation. So, I just take it.  I do not feel badly about it.  I own it and accept it.  There are days I do not have to go out.  I just do not. I am able to do this because I have owned that I have depression, that I have had depression all my life and it is with  me.  It will not go away so I am learning to be kind to it because then I am kind to me  I am not ashamed of it. I am proud of  me for owning it and living out loud with it.

Anyway, the last two days, I have been sitting with the sight of this man I love, getting married, holding her hand, being her buddy, snuggling in bed, sitting at the table for dinner, all the ordinary things he will do with her, not me.  I want him to be happy, I want her to love him well, and I want to scream, all at the same time.  A piece of me is so sad, so sad, and that piece will not get over him and will always miss him. It is the piece of me that was him and me, that person with another.   This piece will forever think he will come back, one day he will come back, though I will not wait for him.  I will love him forever, but I will also love another. I am not sad that I will always love him. It lets me know that I am healing, that no matte how broken I have been or will be, I will alway love. But never again will I love to the total exclusion of myself.  I am still healing from this, my life of self sabotage, when it comes to the goodness in my life I think I do not deserve because something is intrinsically wrong with me, thus I am not worthy. Because of this, I turn myself inside out, loving the other so much, to the exclusion of myself, ending up so emotionally burned out and in a state of self deprecation.   But, I am really healing after this love,  I will keep healing, which i know now is my life journey. I am okay, sad, but okay.  And, I am me, no shame, no apologies, just me, the woman who is working to be who she should have always been: the lovely lady who got lost along the way.

So, I am back on track, with day six, plank, push ups, squats and weights.  I did stick to the wheat free, but I had french fries once.  I feel my body emptying of the toxins of wheat, my joints pain free and my acid reflux almost gone.  Each morning I have my coffee with the collagen, turmeric, cinnamon, coconut oil, honey and whole cream, which is suppose to be great for the body. So far, no impact, though it makes me a bit nauseated at first.  I go to the clinic next week for blood pressure and weight. Then I will post the results, better I am sure, from my physical numbers, which is my base line.  I will not know cholesterol for three months, when it is to be check again.

So happy Sunday everyone. As I read over what I have written, I smile because it is structured as life is, not in a neat order but in the disconnect we connect by being who we are.

Day four of the journey to health

So it is day four.  So far, I have done a 45-50 second plank each day, walked three miles three of the four days, did weights two days, did pushups two days and did squats two days.  I feel great and I have found out a few things.  Planks really do help, and I have been doing them for almost a month now, about 4 times a week.  I do see a difference in my belly and its strength as well as my back.  Walking with weights, which is my exercise now that I do not jog anymore, makes for an efficient exercise, arms and legs and torso  and cardio all at once.  I use one pound weights and I have a routine of about 15 exercises and I do each 20 times as I walk.  My arms have good muscles, but none of my weight exercises have done anything for what my mom called kimono arms.  When I make a muscle, it is a good one, bicep and tricep, but the skin still wiggles, and it is just like Geraldine Ferraro’s, the woman who ran for vice president: Mondale/Ferraro.  I remember reading ridiculous comments about her arms during the campaign.  Fortunately, I do not hear that about Hillary. But I digress.  I have learned that regardless of what I do, I have kimono arms.

The day I started this journey, I had spent the summer not being a strictly wheat free eater. And, I have gotten back into potatoes. When I went for my physical I had gained 15 pounds and my acid reflux was terrible.  However, within four days back on wheat free, all bloating and acid reflux are ebbing.  I do swear by no wheat and I am going to add no grains because if I do eat something like popcorn or corn chips, I get acid reflux.  If this starts to happen with vanilla ice cream, I will be in a quandary.  Also if I eat ice cream and grains I feel as badly as if I were hungover, which is something I know for sure I never ever want to feel again.  So, the wheat free thing is true, for me at least.

Started on a collagen supplement, and so far I have no like who results.  But I am going to keep taking it as it just makes sense to supplement something my body used to make naturally but now not so much.  Yes, I still have cellulite, and I still have wrinkles so that part of the come on for me so far is not true, but I go for a bone density in two weeks and then I will know if it has had any affect on my hip, which showed some signs of osteoporosis  three years ago.

Here is to day four, which may be a struggle, since I am meeting my ex, whom I will always love dearly.  He is getting remarried and, of course, I have to see him because I do not have enough sadness or stress.  Oh well…..

Sitting with the stuff I want to run from

I am into  my fourth hour of sitting with the stuff I want to run from.  I have decided to meet my ex, who is getting remarried this month, for a goodbye or a hello, not sure.  I just know that I want to run, cancel all the plans i have made for the next two days and just hide.  But I am not doing this.  I am writing, I went shopping at Trader Joe’s, I did my plank and push ups, and I unloaded my dishwasher.  I have played many many word games, spent time messages an old friend back and forth on Facebook and here I am.  I would love to go get some alcohol or ice cream, but only my head tells me I need that.  Though I am anxious, my body is not telling me to use an old habit to get through this.  As I try these things I read about, hear others do, get frustrated about because people who do these types of things seem to be so good at it, I am thinking one thought: yes, thoughts do control things and my thoughts have controlled me for so long, I want to be free of this, once and for all.  I know it will not all go away, even if I make it to Thursday, when we meet, and I have not done anything negative, but I will have my first victory of refusing to let my mind control the situation.  Anyone else trying to sit through a tough situation, emotionally, trying not to self sabotage or fall apart?

Everything is high but me

Well, here I am 69 years old and at my annual prevention check up, as the annual physical are now called, I found out that my weight is high, my cholesterol is high, my blood pressure is high and my blood sugar is high.  The only thing that is not high is me, but if I smoke a joint or eat a brownie, either my lungs or my arteries will be adversely affected.  So, what is a woman my age to do, if she does not what to go on medication?  Well, I have decided to go on a three month health kick, trying just about everything I have read about that is suppose to keep me fit and healthy, regardless of when I start, until I leave the lovely earth for my next adventure.

I am making a video, I started yesterday, to chronical my journey.  We shall see if my numbers come down, my muscles are toned, my arms less flabby, my neck less saggy and my manner more joyful.

Yesterday, I tried my juicer, Jack LaLane…and it sucks.  I wish I had gotten a ninja but alas, I was suckered by LaLane’s health and longevity.  I walked three miles with weights, doing my arm routine reps while I walked.  I use one pound weights but I do multiple repetitions. I really do not like weights because they are heavy, so lighter with more reps is my choice.

I also do a daily plank, trying to get past a minute but so far I am at about 50 seconds.  I do ten push ups; my goal is 20 and I do 12 squats; my goal is 30.  I also plan to walk as many days as I can.

Eating, well it is back to no wheat, no white, no diet soda….however, I will not give up vanilla ice cream, at least once a week.

I think this video and blog documented journey will be fun and I am hoping that other women my age take a look and start to read.  I am not little, cute, rich or buff.  I am my size, I like the way I look, I have enough money and good muscle tone, for a woman, as my doctor says, who is 69.

Come with me and let’s see if all these things work on women my age.

Hillary

What an exciting time in our country. We have a man of color as president and a woman as the nominee of a major party. Oh we have come a long way baby. From the time I became involved with the rebirth of the women’s movement, back in the early 70’s, until now, the truth of equity has burned in my soul. Now, it is true, America is the land where anyone can grow up to be president. I do not just support Hillary based on her gender, though there was a time I supported women just because they were women. I abided by my mother’s words: we have had lots of asshole men in power so what if we have some asshole women. I support her because she has lived with triumph, defeat, humiliation, redemption, sadness and joy.  Her life has not been perfect, but she has continued on, and that makes me proud.  I say hurrah for the America today, as Barack Obama becomes the historical two time black president and Hillary Clinton becomes the first time women nominee of a major political party.

Living out loud

This morning I was on a local television show, The Morning Blend, to share my adventures volunteering in Thailand. It was such a great experience, and I was so excited to be able to tell part of my story.  I am so energized after sharing, and I am so encouraged about my decisions to let go and be, just be, who I am and who I was meant to be.

The link for the interview is https://shar.es/1dqSd8

 

By George, I think she’s got it

Finally, after hours of frustration, asking questions and just plain putting it away, I think I have come to understand how to set up my blog so it looks interesting to potential readers. I do not have bells and whistles just yet, but I do have a new tag, a good picture, and me, who loves to write and is looking forward to doing it as much as possible. Two years ago I put the cart before the horse, as I needed an outlet for my pain. But, I also needed to heal, and so my first step into blogging became my last step until the healing I needed not to write as a victim in my own life who needed to explain herself to the whoever would listen was well on its way. It is well, well on its way and so I am trying now to start anew, no excuses, no explanation, just starting anew as me, just me, who loves to be, just me. And this is the last time I will post anything about my hiatus from the blog I started in 2014.  I hope to hear from many readers, receive lots of comments and good suggestions, and make many new friends as I foray into the world of being older and making my third and final act a production deserving of the lights of broadway.

The other day, I pointed out to my sister that this person we know was doing some not so good things.  I try so hard not to judge people because I do not want to be judged, but sometimes, I just want to point out the flaws in another person. Each day I awake to myself and I own my shit, accepting my responsibility in it all. No one made me drink, no one made me self sabotage, no one made me choose fear over courage. But often I did.  Now, I try to temper my self depreciation by remembering that many times I did have courage, I didn’t drink, and I had self love. I remind myself that I raised three amazing children, got two masters’ degrees in Education, took a plum job in another city and left my home of 33 years, bought two homes on my own, stopped smoking, exercised regularly, doing half marathons and triathlons. Sadly though, without warning, the demons would return. Just when I thought I was safe, the self-abotaging demons would reappear, and I would start down the path of self abuse, making sure everyone knew just how awful i was. This was the story of my life and it exhausted me.  And, then I fell, breaking into a million little pieces that were to be put back together in the magical mosaic that is now me.

Now, I do not live in extremes, the burning sensation of great scotch no longer entices me.  My mood elevation or stagnation are not intense, but I now know I have them  Some days I just feel sublime, almost magical and other days, I only feel the need to be in my home, away from people.  I do not self sabotage, get drunk, make dumb phone calls when I am home.  I write or lay about with nothing special do to.  I no longer think I have to do anything but be kind.  I have a sink full of dishes, a floor I have not washed in over two months, and clothes in the chair rather than in the closet.  I cancel things that I find, when the time comes, I am not inclined to do, even though I know it bothers people.  My going would bother me more. And, i like me, finally, I really like me and I treat me well.  I have compassion for me, giving myself a shoulder to cry on, a forgiving soul, and vanilla ice cream when needed.  It is serene to live like this, and I do not want to change anything. But, there are some days when I just want to point out the flaws in others, so I do, and I feel grateful that I can live in my contradictions without feeling shame because I do.

 

 

 

Is it just me or do others, sometimes, just want to stay home

I am learning about being an introvert, which I am but did not know until this past year. Before, I thought an introvert was someone who was anti social, extremely shy, unable to communicate and almost paranoid about being around people.
It never crossed my mind that I was an introvert. Hey I loved people, partied with the best of them, was a great communicator and most certainly I was not shy. Or so I thought. But, now that I have come to know me, the person I came to be, flaws and all, I know I am an introvert, needing to energize before I go out, needing time to reenergize when I return home, needing lots of alone, quiet time, happy with my own company and though I like people, it is not necessary for me to around them all the time, and in fact when I am it is exhausting.

I now know that some of my anxiety came from being social, some came from sheer exhaustion from trying to be the life of the party, and some came from struggling within myself, the introvert with the women who had no idea.  My soul was saying stop but my mind was saying keep it up. I was afraid all the time, but I had not thought about it except to self deprecate myself with things like, well, you could never do that, don’t try it because people will know you are a fraud, oh my god, are you crazy, don’t let anyone know.  I had a loud mouth and I facial frown that my sons said made people want to back away. Interesting that I never knew that one of my most frequent facial expressions was a frown.

About two years ago, I fell, hard and there was no place to go but up.  It is then that I really started to get to know me, though I had been in therapy off and on since I was 25.  After about four months of actual hibernation, when the thought of talking to people was almost painful, the thought of leaving my house almost unthinkable, I began to reflect on a behavior of mine that always ended me up in trouble.  I would say yes, and go places I did not want to go, or I would say yes, and then on the day, I would be so anxious inside that I would cancel, feigning some excuse.  It got to be a joke with my friends, but it did annoy them. For me, I just knew, in my gut, I could not go out.

I have a lovely acquaintance who shared something on Facebook about introverts, and since know her to be very space protective, I decided to read it.  Bam! There I was on the written page, and my stereotypes of an introvert were so far off I had to smile.   I felt a relief after reading the article because anxiety was always part of my not wanting to do things, which made me connect the feelings to depression.  But, glory be, this was not it all.  Since i have gained this insight about myself, I am freer to say what I need, though it is hard.  This mother’s day, I told my children I just needed to be alone, and I would much prefer lunch on a day we just decided to see each other because we love each other, rather than doing what we think we should do on mother’s day. I just gotten home from 10 days with three of my grandchildren, and I just needed me time.  It was great and it felt great to be able to just day it without making up an excuse.

I look forward to learning more about me and being an introvert, and I look forward to hearing from others who have come to know they are introverts.