Well, meeting with my ex lover who is getting remarried stopped my energy flow so for the last two days I have been a bit idle when it comes to my three month health challenge as well as activity. But, because I listen to my body now, I know when I need to be home, need to be quiet, need to wear soft clothes, need not to see people, need to watch stupid television, and I just do it. Over the last two years I have paid attention to how I feel emotionally, and I have found that I have a wavy being. Some days, I have lots of energy, markedly different than many days, and then most days I have energy, but some days, I just cannot be about the world. I feel it, I like my bed, grub hub, closed curtains and just me. If I do not take this time, I get myself into a situation. So, I just take it. I do not feel badly about it. I own it and accept it. There are days I do not have to go out. I just do not. I am able to do this because I have owned that I have depression, that I have had depression all my life and it is with me. It will not go away so I am learning to be kind to it because then I am kind to me I am not ashamed of it. I am proud of me for owning it and living out loud with it.
Anyway, the last two days, I have been sitting with the sight of this man I love, getting married, holding her hand, being her buddy, snuggling in bed, sitting at the table for dinner, all the ordinary things he will do with her, not me. I want him to be happy, I want her to love him well, and I want to scream, all at the same time. A piece of me is so sad, so sad, and that piece will not get over him and will always miss him. It is the piece of me that was him and me, that person with another. This piece will forever think he will come back, one day he will come back, though I will not wait for him. I will love him forever, but I will also love another. I am not sad that I will always love him. It lets me know that I am healing, that no matte how broken I have been or will be, I will alway love. But never again will I love to the total exclusion of myself. I am still healing from this, my life of self sabotage, when it comes to the goodness in my life I think I do not deserve because something is intrinsically wrong with me, thus I am not worthy. Because of this, I turn myself inside out, loving the other so much, to the exclusion of myself, ending up so emotionally burned out and in a state of self deprecation. But, I am really healing after this love, I will keep healing, which i know now is my life journey. I am okay, sad, but okay. And, I am me, no shame, no apologies, just me, the woman who is working to be who she should have always been: the lovely lady who got lost along the way.
So, I am back on track, with day six, plank, push ups, squats and weights. I did stick to the wheat free, but I had french fries once. I feel my body emptying of the toxins of wheat, my joints pain free and my acid reflux almost gone. Each morning I have my coffee with the collagen, turmeric, cinnamon, coconut oil, honey and whole cream, which is suppose to be great for the body. So far, no impact, though it makes me a bit nauseated at first. I go to the clinic next week for blood pressure and weight. Then I will post the results, better I am sure, from my physical numbers, which is my base line. I will not know cholesterol for three months, when it is to be check again.
So happy Sunday everyone. As I read over what I have written, I smile because it is structured as life is, not in a neat order but in the disconnect we connect by being who we are.